NEW YORK CITY -- Sanford Kelly, expert Marvel vs Capcom 2 player and famed excuse-for-losing generator, has announced that he will be creating a nonprofit called "
Sticks Without Borders", a program designed to provide secondhand fight sticks to low income and otherwise impoverished fighting game fans, both in the United States and abroad.
"After I trashed my stick at Next Level because it made me lose against Rico [Jonathan DeLeon], I thought about all of the people that can't afford a stick, either because they are too poor or sticks cost way too much in ther native country", said a deeply introspective Mr. Kelly. "I thought about how selfish and immature destroying my stick was, even though it made me lose, and I think that I should do more to help players who are less fortunate than I am and aren't as good as me [in Street Fighter]." Mr. Kelly leaned into the FGCNN correspondent's voice recorder and added, "Rico only won because my stick screwed up my inputs; I'm better than he is. I'm the best. He can't beat me in a long set. I just had a lot on my mind."
Mr. Kelly noted that the initial batch of sticks which will be donated, free of charge to those in need will come from his personal repository of defective or damaged sticks. The sticks will be refurbished to working condition by volunteers from Next Level Arcade before they are distributed to needy players all around the world. "These sticks have all caused me to lose at least once, so I either tossed them in the closet or just smashed them in a blind rage,"
said Mr. Kelly, looking visibly agitated and uncomfortable. "Once the parts are replaced and brought up to my standards, they will be completely usable by whoever ends up with them. If they lose, it's their own fault; they should hold that L and not take it out on the stick. They should think of everyone else, like them, who might not be able to afford a stick or who can't buy one at a reasonable price."
Mr. Kelly added that he plans to ask companies such as Qanba and Mad Catz to donate excess stock in order to expand the pool of sticks for him to smash after he loses and then donate through his charity. Representatives from Qanba and Mad Catz were unavailable for comment, but Mark "MarkMan" Julio of Mad Catz did say through his Twitter account, "I'm proud that [Mr. Kelly] chose us as his stick of choice to carry into battle. It's unfortunate that it failed him; we'll re-evaluate our manufacturing processes in the future to ensure that all of our sticks are able to handle [Mr. Kelly's] unmatched execution and errorless, cat-like inputs."
Will Mr. Kelly's chairty help provide opportunities for up-and-coming players to improve as competitors and expand their local communities? Should Henry "Golden" Cen install a rubber floor to protect himself and his patrons from flying fight stick parts? Let us know in the comments below!
LOS ANGELES -- It has been over a week since the conclusion of "Socal Regionals 2014", a premiere Fighting Game Community tournament based in Los Angeles, and Vineeth "Apology Man" Meka has yet to apologize for defeating Ryan "Filipino Champ" Ramirez in Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3 by abusing an unblockable loop setup.
During the match, a distraught Mr. Ramirez made sure to look directly at Mr. Meka while Mr. Meka used unblockable loops with Firebrand to defeat him in what quickly became a single-player game. "It's in the game, so I don't see what the problem is", said a triumphant Mr. Meka. Earlier in the day, Mr. Meka made a series of angry tweets after losing to an unblockable used by Kokonoe players in Blazblue: Chrono Trigger, implying that it did not give him a chance to play and that the unblockable should be removed from the game.
Supporters of Mr. Meka said that the criticism was unfair, since Marvel is a broken "kusoge" or "shitty game"; his supporters appeared to be mainly Anime players who were playing BlazBlue, a historically balanced series with fair characters which are further refined in each subsequent iteration.
Mr. Meka remained silent on the issue, but Mr. Ramirez was adamant that he live up to his name and apologize. "My team is like, you know, skill-based. You can't just play my team and mash crouching L to win matches you know what i'm saying? People have a chance to play against me until I get five bars."
Christopher "Chris G" Gonzalez, widely considered to be Marvel's top player, was unavailable for comment as he was occupied working with local firefighters to rescue a cat stuck in a tree, but he did provide the following brief statement via email: "At least my opponent has the option of blocking my unavoidable, unrelenting stream of projectiles. What he is doing is disgracing the game."
Will Mr. Meka live up to his name and apologize? Should Mr. Meka change his handle, or Internet alias to reflect the fact that he won't apologize for being a cheap player? Let us know how you feel in the comments below!
Los Angeles, CA (USA) -- Socal Regionals (SCR), a major fighting game tournament which transpired this past weekend, is rife with controversy concerning the reported "special treatment" given to Christopher "Chris G" Gonzales by LevelUp Series owner and SCR tournament organizer Alex "Calipower" Valle. Christopher Gonzales was first disqualified after showing up late to the tournament pools of his preferred game Ultimate Marvel VS Capcom 3, sending him to the losers bracket, and was subsequently disqualified a second time after arriving late to tournament match. However, Alex Valle acquiesced to Christopher Gonzales's pleas for a re-entry into the tournament to the distraught of many critics who believed that Christopher Gonzales was receiving preferential treatment due to his gaming skill.
FGCNN's research team took the initiative to investigate the truths surrounding this ordeal. What they discovered was an astonishing, heroic tale of which only a person of Christopher Gonzales's moral character could make remotely believable.
As Christopher Gonzales was making his way to his pools on the first day of SCR, an elderly man exiting a nearby grocery establishment appeared lost. Christopher Gonzales, never the one to think of only himself, kindly offered to guide this man home. "I couldn't remember where I needed to go," said Julius, the wheelchair-bound man, "but right then, a young man came and saved me with one of those new space phones and goggle maps. I would've been stranded there forever!" This unexpected act of heroics would result in Christopher Gonzales being tardy to his pools match, causing a disqualification.
On the second day of SCR, a small fire broke out in the UC Irvine campus kitchen, prompting a campus facilitator to pull the alarm. Christopher Gonzales, serendipitously nearby when the crisis occurred, rushed to the local fire station to rally the residing volunteer firemen. "[Christopher Gonzales] came here, out of breath, and alerted us to the situation.", said Brian Turner, the local volunteer Fire Station Chief.
"We saved dozens of lives because of his willingness to rush down a problem instead of being lame and fighting it from afar."
After hearing of these shocking, yet selfless reasons for his lack of Alex "Calipower" Valle rewarded Christopher Gonzales's unwavering gumption for bettering the world with the restoration of his tournament spots. "I knew that there was a solid reason for [Christopher Gonzales] to be late. I even made a side-bet with a colleague that [his tardiness] wouldn't be due to him being a lazy dumbass and not setting his alarm clock", said Alex Valle. He then put his cash away and threatened a random tournament spectator that'd he'd have him removed from the venue if he partook in any side-betting.
Christopher Gonzales chose to keep this information private due to his humble nature. However, as altruistic his silence may be, many will choose to believe that Christopher "Chris G" Gonzales is nothing more than an arrogant, entitled diva living off his girlfriend's parents' dime. We here at FGCNN beg to differ.
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