SAN FRANCISCO, CA - FGCNN has uncovered details of Capcom's next update to Street Fighter V which will include what is being called "A 'Security Enhancement' to improve the Street Fighter experience". FGCNN Analysts have concluded that this is either a way to keep Joshua "Wolfkrone" Philpot from logging into the Capcom Fight Network ever again, or an updated, improved version of their so-called "rootkit", or "malware" which was included with (and subsequently removed from) the latest version of the game.

While attempting to punish loyal, paying customers as well as a few chat monsters who spend too much time shitposting on Internet message boards, Capcom sought to improve the experience of Street Fighter V players by installing a rootkit designed to invasively monitor and examine a player's porn collection and social media posts. The "rootkit" was removed following the fighting game community's outrage, despite not understanding what a "rootkit" even is, and FGCNN has obtained internal Capcom documents which indicate that they're not done with their attempts at sabotaging the computers of their own paying customers.



The leaked documents detail the "Security Enhancement" and its features, some of which include:

• Automatically runs as your computer administrator without your knowledge, thanks to a "new and improved" malware package stolen from a Chinese hacking forum instead of the inferior Sri Lankan Neopets forum
• Replacing "racist, homophobic and mysognistic comments" posted to social media and stream chat with "positive, inclusive language, free of trigger words and memes"
• Uses the player's machine to power the Capcom Fighter Network, allegedly "providing an improved gameplay experience while reducing our operating cost"
• Harnesses idle GPU cycles to help Neidel "Haunts" Crisan complete arithmetic calculations
• Deleting any mention of, and the ability to type the word "Mighty", or the number 9.

Upon hearing this information, it left only one single thought: You got to be rootkidding me!

When FGCNN pressed Capcom for more insight into why they thought hijacking a player's computer was a good idea, let alone trying it a second time, a Capcom spokesperson provided the following statement:

Capcom believes that installing malicious software on your computer is the right decision. Being exposed as incompetent is not going to stop us. The reason why? Courage. The courage to move on and continue to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result... this betters all of us. Also, be sure to buy our CPT Premiere Package DLC so we can continue to provide you with new and improved ways to destroy your illegal Windows installation.

Will the new "Security Enhancement" fix the input lag present in the game? Will Mr. Philpot ever stop being a bitch and take the loss? Does anyone know if this FGCNN reporter can request a Steam refund for the game? Let us know in the comments below!

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Following a heated Twitter fracas surrounding pirates and piracy, Justin “Marvelous” Wong has announced that he is banning himself from the 2016 Capcom Pro Tour for Street Fighter V. The incident began following an overwhelming victory in Mad Catz's V Cup by Official Unofficial Capcom Beta-Tester Long "LPN" Nguyen. Twitter was set aflame by angry top players claiming that Mr. Nguyen had an unfair advantage due to possession of an illegal pirate copy of the game. Among the most vocal of these accusers was Evil Geniuses's own Mr. Wong, a player who was unable to enter the tournament due to his Uber Black Car not being able to make it to the venue on time.

Mr. Wong launched a Twitter campaign with the aim of banning gamers who have practiced piracy from entering tournaments. This campaign, emblazoned with the hashtag #banthepirates, was approved by several prominent tournament organizers, and Capcom itself.

However, after scanning his own Twitter history and finding incriminating tweets, Mr. Wong was forced to add himself to the banned list. "I was surprised to find that other people would actually question my claims of innocence, having never engaged in piracy myself”, said a flustered Mr. Wong. “After accusing others of piracy, I began to look inward and I remembered that time I downloaded and burned a copy of Melty Blood: Actress Again, and all those times I read bootleg translations of Naruto and One Piece... oh, and that one time I downloaded illegal roms and streamed myself playing them...I realized at that point that I should remove myself from the 2016 [Capcom] Pro Tour for engaging in piracy. [Hashtag], banthepirates!”.

When this FGCNN reporter asked if he would download a Pizza, Mr. Wong enthusiastically replied, “Are you kidding me? Of course I would!”. Mr. Nguyen was unavailable for comment, as he was busy continuing to train on his pirated copy of the game and counting the $30 he won at a tournament that no one will remember a month from now. A spokesperson from Capcom refused comment, and was later seen delivering what appeared to be a Playstation 4 development console to a home in the Hillsdale neighborhood of San Mateo, California.

Is Mr. Wong a true paragon of virtue? Is Mr. Nguyen a dirty, cheating scoundrel who gained an unfair competitive advantage by downloading a torrent any idiot can find on Kick Ass Torrents? Is the Capcom Police Department complicit in this wave of organized cheating and early access? Can I get a copy? Let us know in the comments below!

"Max is a dangerous example of inclusiveness and vibrant wholesome representation of the Fighting Game Community and must be stopped at all costs," according to KawaiiUnkoChin, an unsponsored "Anime" player. "How can we sleep with our seed-encrusted dakimakura body pillow at night knowing that this baka casual is killing our scene with his attractive, welcoming attitude using the games and characters I play and masturbate to? What am I supposed to tell the waifu? The childru?"

This piece of trash has been making a successful living with his honest work ethic, positivity, and desire to open up the scene to gaijin devils who are unfamiliar of our sacred anime culture, while true anime players are reduced to consuming nothing but cup ramen from Seben-Ereben. But no longer. Max and his adorable dog's days are numbered.

FGCNN has found damning evidence of his maliciousness towards the anime community and possibly humanity itself which we presented to Our Glorious Leader and Anime Illuminati founder, "Jiyuna", of Max's sister hand-groping the senpai playboy, Ryan "Gootecks" Gutierrez on a beach.



After careful review of the photo, Jiyuna exploded: "HOW COULD [Christiansen] NOT WANT TO BANG HIS HOT IMOUTO (sister)?! IS HE YAOI BOYLOVE OR SOMETHING?" The outcry freed from deep within Jiyuna's Guts baited us to Burst into tears, leaving our spirits Guard Crushed. But he courageously pressed forward with the interview so that others might know the atrocities of this self employed, money-making monster/loving husband.

"We've started a campaign to stop him and his legion of happy fans from enjoying our low-selling games and flooding our empty online match lobbies. He will soon know and elpheel what we have always Elphelt... shame and ostracism!"



And we at FGCNN completely agree. Stop Maximillian by messaging him - which for now is only possible by subscribing to his channel and including your message in a donation note - and let him know the anime gaming scene is only for those who earned it by not taking showers, losing at the more difficult mainstream games and begging EVO for main stage exposure of games nobody plays year after year. 

Will Mr. Christiansen ever be stopped? Who is best waifu? Tell us in a haiku below!

WALNUT, CA — Months after a massive coup which resulted in Triforce Johnson fleeing the country for his safety, Mike Watson has officially replaced Mr. Johnson as Supreme Manchild, a position which includes such duties as making the FGC look socially regressive and exploiting it for personal and financial gain.

While many are uncertain as to whether Mr. Watson can maintain the “leadership” that Mr. Johnson provided while in office, the consensus remains that, by participating in petty online arguments and purchasing expensive toilets on rented property, Mr. Watson is primed to tightly fill the sandy shoes of his predecessor.

“With [Mr. Johnson] gone, the community had nobody in which to direct our hatred” said BrolysThirdLeg, a professional r/kappa user. “People in the subreddit just spewed hatred to anyone who spoke. It was pure anarchy. But now with [Mike Watson] behaving with the class and intelligence of people literally half his age, the community can return to its days of glory!”

LEFT: A helpful matrix of leadership skills (click to enlarge)

Some critics think that Mr. Watson may not have what it takes to maintain the position. “If [Mike Watson] sticks to throwing decent tournaments and keeps his big mouth shut, he might be forced out of office.” remarked ChefBoyardee_BowlOfSoul, a fighting game community analyst and evangelical atheist.

Mr. Watson is expected to give a low-budget press conference later this week, but only if 10 people subscribe to his channel on Twitch.tv. When questioned for further details, Mr. Watson challenged FGCNN correspondents to a fist fizzzight in the Super Arcade parking lot.

What do you think? Will Mr. Watson deliver on his promise to provide the FGC with hours of entertainment through internet thuggery? Or will he be intimidated by screen captures of user's bank accounts? Let us know in the comments below!

SAN FRANCISCO - Riding the wave of his successful head-banging performance at Capcom Cup 2014 as well as the "success" of his most recent FGC themed game Stick Chucker, world famous face DJ and game designer A_Rival, has announced his latest game DJ iPAD Headnika, exclusively for the iPad.

In a recent interview with FGCNN, A_Rival discussed his vision of music and gaming. "I wanted others to feel what it's like to be a professional world-class iDJ, and with Headnika, you'll soon be playing the hottest hits in fighting game music with your skull."

LEFT: Marcus, 23, after a closed public demo of Headnika. "It's like the shards of glass are in 3D!"

In the ambulance ride over to the emergency room after a "dope concussion session" at his music studio, FGCNN was invited to a private demo of his game. Beautiful imagery, live video and colorful graphics compliment the blood that shoots out of every cranial orifice when crushing your head to the beat.



The controls are straight-forward; A colored icon appears on screen, and once the glowing bar hovers over an icon, the player must Dirty Buffalo the iPad as hard as possible. The bigger the impact, the more points and intracranial hemorrhaging the player receives.


"It's difficult at times, like when there are two red icons to hit. The game really shows you how hard it is for real DJs like me.", A_Rival remarked. We then dove head-first into the next song.

A_Rival explains, "Even though the head smashing is simple to grasp, it's still a competitive game." When asked the question if competitive smashing led to irreparable brain damage, A_Rival responded "Yes, but Nintendo is doing the best they can."

A_Rival plans to release branded accessories such as bite-guards for protecting your tongue during the inevitable seizures, as well as replacement touchscreen glass kits for iPads.

What do you think? Will DJ iPAD Headnika be the iOS smash hit of the new year? Will people be able to handle the mindgames of DJ iPAD Headnika? Let us know in the comments below.

HOLLYWOOD CA -- Renowned fighting game player and wall-denting enthusiast Eliver "KillerKai"Ling recently announced his retirement from the fighting game tournaments, citing his intention to concentrate exclusively on his acting career. The announcement came swiftly after a disappointing 9th-place finish at Norcal Regionals, a dimly lit tournament hosted in Sacramento, California.

"There has never been opportunity in the film world for an actor of ambiguous oriental descent" said Mr. Ling. "Whether the role calls for Japanese, Chinese… pretty much any of the 'eses or 'eans — an actor like myself can fit the role, given that the average white person can't tell the difference." Ling continued on to describe, at great length, his joys of portraying such rich characters as "Asian Thug", "Ming Warrior", and "Nguyen".

Mr. Ling was also quick to point out that his earnings as a film star have already proven more lucrative than his winnings as a professional gamer. "Just the other day, I made $50 as 'Miko's gang member (uncredited)' and I got free catered lunch on top of that," said an elated Ling. "I think I made the right decision to move forward with my career in acting." Eliver's latest starring role as "Stuntman" in the film "Anita Ho" only reinforces this notion, and although FGCNN's research team was unable to determine whether Ling plays as a stuntman or a character named "Stuntman" in the film, they did agree that it'd be more awesome if it were the latter.

Do you think that Eliver Ling is better suited for the acting world? Will the fighting game scene be the same without KillerKai in their tournament brackets? How do you escape from ApologyMan's unblockable setups? Sound off in the comments!

CALIFORNIA -- Literally dozens of individuals took to the internet to express extreme outrage at what they are calling the "stupidest decision I have ever seen" after Bronson Tran, Northern California Tekken player and organizer behind the StrongStyle Tekken tournament series, announced that the event's eighth iteration would not feature a live stream, much to the dismay of somewhere between twelve to twenty-four people.
Mr. Tran appeared on the now woman-friendly live talk format program Avoiding the Puddle, hosted by two individuals the Capcom fighting game community identified as "The Guy from Cross Assault" and "The Guy Who Got Bodied By Sherryjenix on Cross Assault", to reveal that plans had been finalized to hold the event in San Mateo, California in September of this year. However, what was initially met with elation from the tens of viewers watching the show rapidly deteriorated into hostility when Tran proclaimed the tournament would not be available for viewing via popular live video portal TwitchTV.
"This is bullshit, okay?" said TwitchTV user EMP_sherryjenixssportsbra when asked to comment. "Every major has a stream. What about the people that can’t make it to the tournament? How are they supposed to enjoy it? They’re supposed to just pay out five hundred dollars to attend or they’re shit out of luck?"
When asked if he intended to attend the tournament, Mr. sherryjenixssportsbra replied that he had never heard of StrongStyle before the announcement, so it was unfair for him to be expected to be prepared to attend.



President of LevelUp and fighting game legend Alex "CaliPower" Valle took to Twitter to voice his displeasure with the decision to not live stream Tekken from StrongStyle. "NorCal Strongstyle not going to be streamed? Good luck with that[, Bronson Tran]". Mr. Valle was later seen backtracking on this comment after the two or three people who still care about Tekken lashed out at him, presumably in defense of Mr. Tran.
Mr. Valle and LevelUp recently made the announcement that PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale would be joining the line-up for Wednesday Night Fights, joining the likes of perennial draw Injustice: Gods Among Us. LevelUp’s partnership with Sony's Santa Monica Studio caught many gamers off guard, as they had completely forgotten the game existed. Many accused Mr. Valle’s Twitter comments of being drawn from a place of professional cynicism over missing an opportunity to stream the event and earn more money to spend in the champagne room on weekends, though a trusted source within the LevelUp production crew told a FGCNN correspondent, "We were just looking to see if we could stream something even more dead than Injustice."
Mr. Tran, who our sources inform us has sequestered himself at the advisement of federal law enforcement after being targeted by several credible death threats, was unavailable to comment at the time of the publishing of this piece.
Is Mr. Tran completely out of line for not providing a free stream to several dozen Tekken fans? Is Mr. Valle attempting to corner the market for streaming dead and irrelevant games? Will Mr. sherryjenixssportsbra get the full-figured support of other monsters? Let us know in the comments below!