SAN FRANCISCO, CA -

Not to be deterred by their history of doing nothing to help fix obvious problems with their products or their tournaments, Capcom announced a upcoming patch to Street Fighter V designed to help players deal with hecklers, crowd noise, and human vuvulezas at offline tournaments according to a statement given by Damon Anderson of Capcom.

The new feature, aptly named "Screaming", will simulate the typical experience for players at offline tournaments by randomly and frequently piping banshee-esque screams of various pitch, tone and intensity through the player's selected audio output. For the most accurate experience of what it's like to have your eardrums ruptured like the pros, Capcom suggests using the Pro-As-Fuck headset by Victrix, the official headset sponsor of the Capcom Pro Tour.

"We're looking to provide players with a real and jarring simulation of the offline experience; Goons screaming in your ear, from as little as a few inches away", said Mr. Anderson. "We sampled thousands of the most annoying players who are widely regarded as experts in damaging their blowholes with sideline commentary that many competitors have mistaken for air-raid sirens". This new feature will seamlessly bring the experience of hearing a broad array of screams, from the lowest setting of a deafening shrill of grown men screeching during a scramble, all the way up to the max volume possible, known as Caba.

The new Screaming option set all the way to Caba in the Sound Settings of Street Fighter V.

The reaction from some members of the community in response to this new feature has been in support of the change. "This is the real way of playing matches", said Saul "MenaRD" Mena. "If your group doesn't have your back like that, it's not my problem. Get louder friends and set your Twitter account to private while you're at it". Mr. Mena added that he was "proud" of his friend and fellow countryman Christopher "Caba" Rodriguez for being the inspiration for Capcom "to show the world how we do it in the Dominican Republic".

Screaming will be available in English or Japanese, along with the deluxe "Spanish" option available for 40,000 FM through the game's online marketplace. "We hope to add a complete suite of localized screaming options post-launch, but given our track record of taking years to ship a complete product, I wouldn't expect much."

Thanks to our sign-language interpreter for helping in this article.

Are millenials too soft to deal with people screaming in their ears during offline tournaments? Are older players simply too hard of hearing to notice how obnoxious some of these guys are? Should Capcom enforce the rules of their own tournament for once? Let us know in the comments below!

ABOVE: FGC legend Justin Wong

Mr. Julio was more forthcoming to FGCNN, saying "I believe it's time for me to utilize the skills I honed assembling an army of cosplayers for Mad Catz events to mentor some of [the Fighting Game Community's] greatest stars into using their popularity to bring name brands into sponsoring FGC events and players. This new empire of competitive players will be a great benefit to the sport of Fighting Games and electronic sports as a whole."

Mark "Buyforce" Julio's FGC brand hope to bring in fresh talent and sponsors.

Mr. Julio, who would only respond under his new moniker of "Buyforce", lists some of the current sponsors he is targeting. "I am currently looking at sponsorship deals with brands such as Nike and Supreme, as well as any place that has carne asada fries, anime or vintage gaming keychains or cellphone cases... all that. This is my current initiative for my future Knights and Valkyries at Empire Markadia".

Buyforce, (Left) holding his trademark NES Zapper light gun, holds a group of potential investors at the EVO Japan press conference hostage and states his demands.

Future plans for Empire Markadia include relocating his management firm and players to a posh gaming house called the "mARC" where players are able to practice, and "a huge 3-foot wall dedicated to displaying our trophies and achievements to impress potential sponsors", according to Mr. Julio. The trophy case will be impressive should potential sponsors ever come to the mARC and not get robbed on the way there.

When asked about plans to sign additional players to contracts, Mr. Julio, excitingly gripping his characteristic NES Zapper, stated that he would love to "recruit players who are loyal to the expansion of the empire, and are financially able to provide their own flight, rent, and living expenditures." Empire Markadia plans to attend events in close proximity to the coast, "preferably the beach", in order to maximize earnings and stay true to Mr. Julio's Southern California roots.

Will Empire Markadia succeed in attracting new players with its coherent, well thought-out business plan? Will Mr. Wong succeed in setting new high scores to scribe the name of Empire Markadia into the Guinness Book of World Records? How is Mr. Wong's driver's license not suspended yet? Let us know in the comments below!

WASHINGTON, DC -- America was stunned when Du "Nuckledu" Dang, a 19 year old Florida resident, defeated Hajime "Tokido" Taniguchi at the Red Bull-sponsored 2016 Capcom Pro Tour North America Finals. America never got a chance to regroup, thanks to President-elect Donald Trump's upset victory for the White House— and our new president wasn't pleased at Mr. Dang breaking America's most prestigious losing streak since the War on Drugs.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - FGCNN has uncovered details of Capcom's next update to Street Fighter V which will include what is being called "A 'Security Enhancement' to improve the Street Fighter experience". FGCNN Analysts have concluded that this is either a way to keep Joshua "Wolfkrone" Philpot from logging into the Capcom Fight Network ever again, or an updated, improved version of their so-called "rootkit", or "malware" which was included with (and subsequently removed from) the latest version of the game.

While attempting to punish loyal, paying customers as well as a few chat monsters who spend too much time shitposting on Internet message boards, Capcom sought to improve the experience of Street Fighter V players by installing a rootkit designed to invasively monitor and examine a player's porn collection and social media posts. The "rootkit" was removed following the fighting game community's outrage, despite not understanding what a "rootkit" even is, and FGCNN has obtained internal Capcom documents which indicate that they're not done with their attempts at sabotaging the computers of their own paying customers.



The leaked documents detail the "Security Enhancement" and its features, some of which include:

• Automatically runs as your computer administrator without your knowledge, thanks to a "new and improved" malware package stolen from a Chinese hacking forum instead of the inferior Sri Lankan Neopets forum
• Replacing "racist, homophobic and mysognistic comments" posted to social media and stream chat with "positive, inclusive language, free of trigger words and memes"
• Uses the player's machine to power the Capcom Fighter Network, allegedly "providing an improved gameplay experience while reducing our operating cost"
• Harnesses idle GPU cycles to help Neidel "Haunts" Crisan complete arithmetic calculations
• Deleting any mention of, and the ability to type the word "Mighty", or the number 9.

Upon hearing this information, it left only one single thought: You got to be rootkidding me!

When FGCNN pressed Capcom for more insight into why they thought hijacking a player's computer was a good idea, let alone trying it a second time, a Capcom spokesperson provided the following statement:

Capcom believes that installing malicious software on your computer is the right decision. Being exposed as incompetent is not going to stop us. The reason why? Courage. The courage to move on and continue to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result... this betters all of us. Also, be sure to buy our CPT Premiere Package DLC so we can continue to provide you with new and improved ways to destroy your illegal Windows installation.

Will the new "Security Enhancement" fix the input lag present in the game? Will Mr. Philpot ever stop being a bitch and take the loss? Does anyone know if this FGCNN reporter can request a Steam refund for the game? Let us know in the comments below!

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Following a heated Twitter fracas surrounding pirates and piracy, Justin “Marvelous” Wong has announced that he is banning himself from the 2016 Capcom Pro Tour for Street Fighter V. The incident began following an overwhelming victory in Mad Catz's V Cup by Official Unofficial Capcom Beta-Tester Long "LPN" Nguyen. Twitter was set aflame by angry top players claiming that Mr. Nguyen had an unfair advantage due to possession of an illegal pirate copy of the game. Among the most vocal of these accusers was Evil Geniuses's own Mr. Wong, a player who was unable to enter the tournament due to his Uber Black Car not being able to make it to the venue on time.

Mr. Wong launched a Twitter campaign with the aim of banning gamers who have practiced piracy from entering tournaments. This campaign, emblazoned with the hashtag #banthepirates, was approved by several prominent tournament organizers, and Capcom itself.

However, after scanning his own Twitter history and finding incriminating tweets, Mr. Wong was forced to add himself to the banned list. "I was surprised to find that other people would actually question my claims of innocence, having never engaged in piracy myself”, said a flustered Mr. Wong. “After accusing others of piracy, I began to look inward and I remembered that time I downloaded and burned a copy of Melty Blood: Actress Again, and all those times I read bootleg translations of Naruto and One Piece... oh, and that one time I downloaded illegal roms and streamed myself playing them...I realized at that point that I should remove myself from the 2016 [Capcom] Pro Tour for engaging in piracy. [Hashtag], banthepirates!”.

When this FGCNN reporter asked if he would download a Pizza, Mr. Wong enthusiastically replied, “Are you kidding me? Of course I would!”. Mr. Nguyen was unavailable for comment, as he was busy continuing to train on his pirated copy of the game and counting the $30 he won at a tournament that no one will remember a month from now. A spokesperson from Capcom refused comment, and was later seen delivering what appeared to be a Playstation 4 development console to a home in the Hillsdale neighborhood of San Mateo, California.

Is Mr. Wong a true paragon of virtue? Is Mr. Nguyen a dirty, cheating scoundrel who gained an unfair competitive advantage by downloading a torrent any idiot can find on Kick Ass Torrents? Is the Capcom Police Department complicit in this wave of organized cheating and early access? Can I get a copy? Let us know in the comments below!

"Max is a dangerous example of inclusiveness and vibrant wholesome representation of the Fighting Game Community and must be stopped at all costs," according to KawaiiUnkoChin, an unsponsored "Anime" player. "How can we sleep with our seed-encrusted dakimakura body pillow at night knowing that this baka casual is killing our scene with his attractive, welcoming attitude using the games and characters I play and masturbate to? What am I supposed to tell the waifu? The childru?"

This piece of trash has been making a successful living with his honest work ethic, positivity, and desire to open up the scene to gaijin devils who are unfamiliar of our sacred anime culture, while true anime players are reduced to consuming nothing but cup ramen from Seben-Ereben. But no longer. Max and his adorable dog's days are numbered.

FGCNN has found damning evidence of his maliciousness towards the anime community and possibly humanity itself which we presented to Our Glorious Leader and Anime Illuminati founder, "Jiyuna", of Max's sister hand-groping the senpai playboy, Ryan "Gootecks" Gutierrez on a beach.



After careful review of the photo, Jiyuna exploded: "HOW COULD [Christiansen] NOT WANT TO BANG HIS HOT IMOUTO (sister)?! IS HE YAOI BOYLOVE OR SOMETHING?" The outcry freed from deep within Jiyuna's Guts baited us to Burst into tears, leaving our spirits Guard Crushed. But he courageously pressed forward with the interview so that others might know the atrocities of this self employed, money-making monster/loving husband.

"We've started a campaign to stop him and his legion of happy fans from enjoying our low-selling games and flooding our empty online match lobbies. He will soon know and elpheel what we have always Elphelt... shame and ostracism!"



And we at FGCNN completely agree. Stop Maximillian by messaging him - which for now is only possible by subscribing to his channel and including your message in a donation note - and let him know the anime gaming scene is only for those who earned it by not taking showers, losing at the more difficult mainstream games and begging EVO for main stage exposure of games nobody plays year after year. 

Will Mr. Christiansen ever be stopped? Who is best waifu? Tell us in a haiku below!

WALNUT, CA — Months after a massive coup which resulted in Triforce Johnson fleeing the country for his safety, Mike Watson has officially replaced Mr. Johnson as Supreme Manchild, a position which includes such duties as making the FGC look socially regressive and exploiting it for personal and financial gain.

While many are uncertain as to whether Mr. Watson can maintain the “leadership” that Mr. Johnson provided while in office, the consensus remains that, by participating in petty online arguments and purchasing expensive toilets on rented property, Mr. Watson is primed to tightly fill the sandy shoes of his predecessor.

“With [Mr. Johnson] gone, the community had nobody in which to direct our hatred” said BrolysThirdLeg, a professional r/kappa user. “People in the subreddit just spewed hatred to anyone who spoke. It was pure anarchy. But now with [Mike Watson] behaving with the class and intelligence of people literally half his age, the community can return to its days of glory!”

LEFT: A helpful matrix of leadership skills (click to enlarge)

Some critics think that Mr. Watson may not have what it takes to maintain the position. “If [Mike Watson] sticks to throwing decent tournaments and keeps his big mouth shut, he might be forced out of office.” remarked ChefBoyardee_BowlOfSoul, a fighting game community analyst and evangelical atheist.

Mr. Watson is expected to give a low-budget press conference later this week, but only if 10 people subscribe to his channel on Twitch.tv. When questioned for further details, Mr. Watson challenged FGCNN correspondents to a fist fizzzight in the Super Arcade parking lot.

What do you think? Will Mr. Watson deliver on his promise to provide the FGC with hours of entertainment through internet thuggery? Or will he be intimidated by screen captures of user's bank accounts? Let us know in the comments below!