WASHINGTON, DC -- America was stunned when Du "Nuckledu" Dang, a 19 year old Florida resident, defeated Hajime "Tokido" Taniguchi at the Red Bull-sponsored 2016 Capcom Pro Tour North America Finals. America never got a chance to regroup, thanks to President-elect Donald Trump's upset victory for the White House— and our new president wasn't pleased at Mr. Dang breaking America's most prestigious losing streak since the War on Drugs.
Today, President-elect Trump announced during his acceptance speech that he would be recruiting several well known but badly performing members of the top players party into his so-called "American Freedom Force”, or “AFF”, a coalition tasked with "reclaiming America's god-given freedom from those who would take it from us". Members already confirmed to be part of the team include sponsored, yet washed-up talent such as Christopher "Chris T." Tatarian, Justin "Marvelous" Wong, Peter “$7000 court judgment” Susini and Joshua “RageKrone” Phipot. Mike "Mike Ross" Ross is said to have declined President Trump's invitation, citing the need to “separate [myself] from the rest of those losers as the perennial King of 4th place.”
President-elect Trump plans to direct the AFF to defeat native born American talent in tournament, and then lose to foreign players, a task they've become exceedingly proficient at in recent years. "Outsiders will now be flocking in to claim our precious resources and—believe me— we have the best resources. We can't have these immigrants coming into our country! I'm assembling the best of the worst to make sure we keep America safe, big league. 'Crooked Du' isn't going to win as long as I'm President of this great country!"
President-elect Trump opposes current proposed amendments to the national anthem which would change the lyrics from "land of the free" to "land of the barely-okay-but-with-one-really-good-player". Furthermore, the AFF strongly opposes any assertion that foreign players are better than native-born Americans due to a stronger work ethic or more time spent in training mode, arguing that Americans lose due to having “real responsibilities” such as periodically reloading their EBT cards and blaming illegal immigrants for their poor life choices, such as majoring in Liberal Arts or skipping University altogether to stream Naruto CPU tournaments on Twitch.
Is America still the land of the free? Is Street Fighter V a “shit game for noobs”? Do people only play Tekken 7 because Akuma is in the roster? Did you vote for a third-party candidate? Did you google "move to Canada"? Let us know in the comments below!
Posted in | Tuesday, November 8, 2016|By Scoop Newsman ViewPost