"Sticks Without Borders" To Help Impoverished Fight Fans Join the Scene

By Unknown on Thursday, March 20, 2014 with 12 comments

NEW YORK CITY -- Sanford Kelly, expert Marvel vs Capcom 2 player and famed excuse-for-losing generator, has announced that he will be creating a nonprofit called "Sticks Without Borders", a program designed to provide secondhand fight sticks to low income and otherwise impoverished fighting game fans, both in the United States and abroad.

"After I trashed my stick at Next Level because it made me lose against Rico [Jonathan DeLeon], I thought about all of the people that can't afford a stick, either because they are too poor or sticks cost way too much in ther native country", said a deeply introspective Mr. Kelly. "I thought about how selfish and immature destroying my stick was, even though it made me lose, and I think that I should do more to help players who are less fortunate than I am and aren't as good as me [in Street Fighter]." Mr. Kelly leaned into the FGCNN correspondent's voice recorder and added, "Rico only won because my stick screwed up my inputs; I'm better than he is. I'm the best. He can't beat me in a long set. I just had a lot on my mind."

Mr. Kelly noted that the initial batch of sticks which will be donated, free of charge to those in need will come from his personal repository of defective or damaged sticks. The sticks will be refurbished to working condition by volunteers from Next Level Arcade before they are distributed to needy players all around the world. "These sticks have all caused me to lose at least once, so I either tossed them in the closet or just smashed them in a blind rage," 
said Mr. Kelly, looking visibly agitated and uncomfortable. "Once the parts are replaced and brought up to my standards, they will be completely usable by whoever ends up with them. If they lose, it's their own fault; they should hold that L and not take it out on the stick. They should think of everyone else, like them, who might not be able to afford a stick or who can't buy one at a reasonable price."

Mr. Kelly added that he plans to ask companies such as Qanba and Mad Catz to donate excess stock in order to expand the pool of sticks for him to smash after he loses and then donate through  his charity. Representatives from Qanba and Mad Catz were unavailable for comment, but Mark "MarkMan" Julio of Mad Catz did say through his Twitter account, "I'm proud that [Mr. Kelly] chose us as his stick of choice to carry into battle. It's unfortunate that it failed him; we'll re-evaluate our manufacturing processes in the future to ensure that all of our sticks are able to handle [Mr. Kelly's] unmatched execution and errorless, cat-like inputs."

Will Mr. Kelly's chairty help provide opportunities for up-and-coming players to improve as competitors and expand their local communities? Should Henry "Golden" Cen install a rubber floor to protect himself and his patrons from flying fight stick parts? Let us know in the comments below!


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airconditioning said...
March 20, 2014 at 3:54 PM

shoulda used a hitbox

Unknown said...
March 20, 2014 at 4:04 PM

This sounds great!

Kyune said...
March 20, 2014 at 4:08 PM

Too bad Nokia doesn't make sticks.

Kevin Stefanowicz said...
March 20, 2014 at 6:20 PM

"Mr. Kelly's chairty"

Tele118 said...
March 20, 2014 at 7:22 PM

I love this idea

Unknown said...
March 22, 2014 at 5:49 PM

Yo, this was funny, but why didn't you guys cover the FullSchedule and Neo incident that happened at FR? That shit was ripe for an article from you guys

Unknown said...
March 24, 2014 at 7:04 AM

^Yeah, an illegal fight stick epidemic has struck the FGC, anyone who beats Fchamp in tournament must submit to a full stick cavity search to be performed by reps from the Underground Syndicate.

Unknown said...
June 8, 2014 at 3:38 PM

I've always wanted a fight stick, I only own an Xbox One and Killer Instinct but I play it daily...I'd love to learn on a stick but they are just too expensive. :(

This is a fun idea however!

calvinewers said...
March 30, 2015 at 10:53 PM

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October 13, 2015 at 2:05 AM

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Unknown said...
October 17, 2015 at 3:21 AM

the video to be motivating. While it is a joke to itself he is doing what he wants and he is trying to get other people to do it too through thepower of motivation.

Unknown said...
March 8, 2020 at 1:39 AM

Thanks for sharing this post!!!
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