WASHINGTON, DC -- America was stunned when Du "Nuckledu" Dang, a 19 year old Florida resident, defeated Hajime "Tokido" Taniguchi at the Red Bull-sponsored 2016 Capcom Pro Tour North America Finals. America never got a chance to regroup, thanks to President-elect Donald Trump's upset victory for the White House— and our new president wasn't pleased at Mr. Dang breaking America's most prestigious losing streak since the War on Drugs.
Today, President-elect Trump announced during his acceptance speech that he would be recruiting several well known but badly performing members of the top players party into his so-called "American Freedom Force”, or “AFF”, a coalition tasked with "reclaiming America's god-given freedom from those who would take it from us". Members already confirmed to be part of the team include sponsored, yet washed-up talent such as Christopher "Chris T." Tatarian, Justin "Marvelous" Wong, Peter “$7000 court judgment” Susini and Joshua “RageKrone” Phipot. Mike "Mike Ross" Ross is said to have declined President Trump's invitation, citing the need to “separate [myself] from the rest of those losers as the perennial King of 4th place.”
President-elect Trump plans to direct the AFF to defeat native born American talent in tournament, and then lose to foreign players, a task they've become exceedingly proficient at in recent years. "Outsiders will now be flocking in to claim our precious resources and—believe me— we have the best resources. We can't have these immigrants coming into our country! I'm assembling the best of the worst to make sure we keep America safe, big league. 'Crooked Du' isn't going to win as long as I'm President of this great country!"
President-elect Trump opposes current proposed amendments to the national anthem which would change the lyrics from "land of the free" to "land of the barely-okay-but-with-one-really-good-player". Furthermore, the AFF strongly opposes any assertion that foreign players are better than native-born Americans due to a stronger work ethic or more time spent in training mode, arguing that Americans lose due to having “real responsibilities” such as periodically reloading their EBT cards and blaming illegal immigrants for their poor life choices, such as majoring in Liberal Arts or skipping University altogether to stream Naruto CPU tournaments on Twitch.
Is America still the land of the free? Is Street Fighter V a “shit game for noobs”? Do people only play Tekken 7 because Akuma is in the roster? Did you vote for a third-party candidate? Did you google "move to Canada"? Let us know in the comments below!
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - FGCNN has uncovered details of Capcom's next update to Street Fighter V which will include what is being called "A 'Security Enhancement' to improve the Street Fighter experience". FGCNN Analysts have concluded that this is either a way to keep Joshua "Wolfkrone" Philpot from logging into the Capcom Fight Network ever again, or an updated, improved version of their so-called "rootkit", or "malware" which was included with (and subsequently removed from) the latest version of the game.
While attempting to punish loyal, paying customers as well as a few chat monsters who spend too much time shitposting on Internet message boards, Capcom sought to improve the experience of Street Fighter V players by installing a rootkit designed to invasively monitor and examine a player's porn collection and social media posts. The "rootkit" was removed following the fighting game community's outrage, despite not understanding what a "rootkit" even is, and FGCNN has obtained internal Capcom documents which indicate that they're not done with their attempts at sabotaging the computers of their own paying customers.
Fearing the whip, Ayesh Ravindu works without food or sleep to code Capcom's latest rootkit.
The leaked documents detail the "Security Enhancement" and its features, some of which include:
- Automatically runs as your computer administrator without your knowledge, thanks to a "new and improved" malware package stolen from a Chinese hacking forum instead of the inferior Sri Lankan Neopets forum
- Replacing "racist, homophobic and mysognistic comments" posted to social media and stream chat with "positive, inclusive language, free of trigger words and memes"
- Uses the player's machine to power the Capcom Fighter Network, allegedly "providing an improved gameplay experience while reducing our operating cost"
- Harnesses idle GPU cycles to help Neidel "Haunts" Crisan complete arithmetic calculations
- Deleting any mention of, and the ability to type the word "Mighty", or the number 9.
Upon hearing this information, it left only one single thought: You got to be rootkidding me!
When FGCNN pressed Capcom for more insight into why they thought hijacking a player's computer was a good idea, let alone trying it a second time, a Capcom spokesperson provided the following statement:
Capcom believes that installing malicious software on your computer is the right decision. Being exposed as incompetent is not going to stop us. The reason why? Courage. The courage to move on and continue to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result... this betters all of us. Also, be sure to buy our CPT Premiere Package DLC so we can continue to provide you with new and improved ways to destroy your illegal Windows installation.
Will the new "Security Enhancement" fix the input lag present in the game? Will Mr. Philpot ever stop being a bitch and take the loss? Does anyone know if this FGCNN reporter can request a Steam refund for the game? Let us know in the comments below!
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Following a heated Twitter fracas surrounding pirates and piracy, Justin “Marvelous” Wong has announced that he is banning himself from the 2016 Capcom Pro Tour for Street Fighter V. The incident began following an overwhelming victory in Mad Catz's V Cup by Official Unofficial Capcom Beta-Tester Long "LPN" Nguyen. Twitter was set aflame by angry top players claiming that Mr. Nguyen had an unfair advantage due to possession of an illegal pirate copy of the game. Among the most vocal of these accusers was Evil Geniuses's own Mr. Wong, a player who was unable to enter the tournament due to his Uber Black Car not being able to make it to the venue on time.
Mr. Wong launched a Twitter campaign with the aim of banning gamers who have practiced piracy from entering tournaments. This campaign, emblazoned with the hashtag #banthepirates, was approved by several prominent tournament organizers, and Capcom itself.
However, after scanning his own Twitter history and finding incriminating tweets, Mr. Wong was forced to add himself to the banned list. "I was surprised to find that other people would actually question my claims of innocence, having never engaged in piracy myself”, said a flustered Mr. Wong. “After accusing others of piracy, I began to look inward and I remembered that time I downloaded and burned a copy of Melty Blood: Actress Again, and all those times I read bootleg translations of Naruto and One Piece... oh, and that one time I downloaded illegal roms and streamed myself playing them...I realized at that point that I should remove myself from the 2016 [Capcom] Pro Tour for engaging in piracy. [Hashtag], banthepirates!”.
When this FGCNN reporter asked if he would download a Pizza, Mr. Wong enthusiastically replied, “Are you kidding me? Of course I would!”. Mr. Nguyen was unavailable for comment, as he was busy continuing to train on his pirated copy of the game and counting the $30 he won at a tournament that no one will remember a month from now. A spokesperson from Capcom refused comment, and was later seen delivering what appeared to be a Playstation 4 development console to a home in the Hillsdale neighborhood of San Mateo, California.
Is Mr. Wong a true paragon of virtue? Is Mr. Nguyen a dirty, cheating scoundrel who gained an unfair competitive advantage by downloading a torrent any idiot can find on Kick Ass Torrents? Is the Capcom Police Department complicit in this wave of organized cheating and early access? Can I get a copy? Let us know in the comments below!
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