EXCLUSIVE: Details on Capcom's latest "Security Enhancement" for Street Fighter V

By Beat Goodstory on Thursday, September 29, 2016 with 4 comments


SAN FRANCISCO, CA - FGCNN has uncovered details of Capcom's next update to Street Fighter V which will include what is being called "A 'Security Enhancement' to improve the Street Fighter experience". FGCNN Analysts have concluded that this is either a way to keep Joshua "Wolfkrone" Philpot from logging into the Capcom Fight Network ever again, or an updated, improved version of their so-called "rootkit", or "malware" which was included with (and subsequently removed from) the latest version of the game.

While attempting to punish loyal, paying customers as well as a few chat monsters who spend too much time shitposting on Internet message boards, Capcom sought to improve the experience of Street Fighter V players by installing a rootkit designed to invasively monitor and examine a player's porn collection and social media posts. The "rootkit" was removed following the fighting game community's outrage, despite not understanding what a "rootkit" even is, and FGCNN has obtained internal Capcom documents which indicate that they're not done with their attempts at sabotaging the computers of their own paying customers.


Fearing the whip, Ayesh Ravindu works without food or sleep to code Capcom's latest rootkit.

The leaked documents detail the "Security Enhancement" and its features, some of which include:


  • Automatically runs as your computer administrator without your knowledge, thanks to a "new and improved" malware package stolen from a Chinese hacking forum instead of the inferior Sri Lankan Neopets forum
  • Replacing "racist, homophobic and mysognistic comments" posted to social media and stream chat with "positive, inclusive language, free of trigger words and memes"
  • Uses the player's machine to power the Capcom Fighter Network, allegedly "providing an improved gameplay experience while reducing our operating cost"
  • Harnesses idle GPU cycles to help Neidel "Haunts" Crisan complete arithmetic calculations
  • Deleting any mention of, and the ability to type the word "Mighty", or the number 9.


Upon hearing this information, it left only one single thought: You got to be rootkidding me!

When FGCNN pressed Capcom for more insight into why they thought hijacking a player's computer was a good idea, let alone trying it a second time, a Capcom spokesperson provided the following statement:


Capcom believes that installing malicious software on your computer is the right decision. Being exposed as incompetent is not going to stop us. The reason why? Courage. The courage to move on and continue to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result... this betters all of us. Also, be sure to buy our CPT Premiere Package DLC so we can continue to provide you with new and improved ways to destroy your illegal Windows installation.

Will the new "Security Enhancement" fix the input lag present in the game? Will Mr. Philpot ever stop being a bitch and take the loss? Does anyone know if this FGCNN reporter can request a Steam refund for the game? Let us know in the comments below!

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COMMENTS

4 comments:

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